I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm sobbing to NWA
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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