There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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