we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
