it wasn't lemon gatorade
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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