Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
