we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
