Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i dont even know how to be here
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
