Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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