at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
