I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
