Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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