his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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