She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
