Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
