You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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