your parents love me but you hate me
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
