i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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