how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
