I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
