she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
