watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
