I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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