just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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