My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
