Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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