Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
