I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
