where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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