The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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