Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
