My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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