how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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