Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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