There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
