U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We're too hungover to prance.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
