Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
