the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
