Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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