Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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