I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Welp...herpes.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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