he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
