Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
