ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
