I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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