I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I love you.
Bad choice
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