I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
