That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
