i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
