you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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