so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
