I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
