is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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