I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
