I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
