Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
