My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
