The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
