im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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