omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
