You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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