My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
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Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
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Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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