My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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