You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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