dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
